Amusing

Someone finally asks everyone’s favourite red-body-paint-and-horn-wearing graphic design entrepreneur and general man-about-town Normal Bob Smith a most burning question.

I just wanted to ask if you are a religous man, like catholics or christians.

Perhaps I’m being optimistic, but you think they would’ve figured it out by now…

Courtesy of Pharyngula

I always thought that blog entries raving on about being smitten by celebrities were rather gratuitous and kinda pathetic, but I don’t care…

Love makes you do crazy things…

Raving makes a pertinent point regarding the first in what will no doubt be a long, insipid line of “Marlon Brando In Heaven” newspaper cartoons. Let’s, as Diderot recommends, just give the hypothesis a little push.

A couple of hairs near the centre of my right eyebrow have started growing slightly longer and curling up towards my forehead, indicating the possible presence of a dominant Sir Robert Menzies eyebrow gene. I’m wondering whether to tweeze, snip or let nature take its course. Perhaps I’ll let it go when I hit 50 and let it give me an air of sophistication, but when I start to look like David Hemmings, I’ll have to start taking some drastic action.

Apparently, all I need to do is supply my bank account details, thereby permitting them to transfer $65,000,000 of a rich family’s account out of the country, and they’ll let me keep 30%!!!

Seriously, does anyone actually fall for this shit? If so, they deserve to be screwed for everything they have, because they’re too stupid to breathe, let alone handle money. Yes, I’m one of those people who watches moralising current affairs expose shows just to cheer on the fraudsters and laugh at the slack-jawed breeders who get sucked in. Give it a try sometime, but be prepared for pangs of alarm and depression behind all the mirth. The depth and breadth of idiocy in our society is fairly frightening.

Want to fit into that little black dress in time for that date? Want to be able to walk up that hill without being puffed? OK, here it is. The last diet advice you’ll ever need. For the sake of brevity (and future possible copyright enforcement), call it the Edo Diet. It’s never failed. Two easy steps. Read each word carefully and recite it over and over again three times a day. Your life is about to change. Ready?

1. EXERCISE REGULARLY.

Notice how there are very few obese marathon runners? Believe it or not, it’s no coincidence. Not sure how much to exercise? Here’s a guide. Expend more energy than you ingest. I know, it sounds crazy, but it seems to work. Isn’t the human body an enigma??

We’re all stylesheets and fonts and pouty photoshopped jpegs and winamp playlists and cryptic lyric snippets and aesthetically-pleasing non-sequiturs. We’re all smilies and lols and gifs and quotes and archives and templates. We’re all self-effacing rambling and bloviated philosophising and pop-culture references and books and albums. We’re all links and puns and quizzes and double-entendres and poetry and monologues and soliloquies and autobiographies. We’re all COMs and NETs and ORGs and UKs and AUs. We’re all brilliant and zany and silly and complex and stubborn and brooding and tempestuous and fascinating and professional and enigmatic. We’re all randomness and indignation and nihilism and optimism and boredom and introspection and procrastination.

What are we looking for? Who are we waiting for?

1. What is the middle name of the first person you ever slept with?
Shit, good question. I have no idea if she even HAS a middle-name, even though I knew her since primary school. Oops?

2. What kind of underwear are you wearing and what color?
These red jockey things, nothing special. I don’t know how guys can wear boxers; they’re so annoying and uncomfortable. I suppose they don’t require much support, but that’s their business, not mine.

3. What is the song you want played at your Funeral?
Why the fuck should I care? It’s not like I’ll be there to bask in the maudlin appropriateness of it all. I suppose the stock response is “Knocking On Heaven’s Door”, but that would be rediculously trite (and presumptuous).

I remember writing something similar when a barrage of Bible quotes were once used against me (normally I don’t even bother, but I was feeling particularly Bibliophilic at the time). The authorship is probably dated, but it happens to coincide with Bush’s reiteration of the grossly unconstitutional (being based purely upon religious bigotry as well as ignorance and insecurity and all) policy of codifying against homosexual marriage in the US (something Bush’s #1 fan and fellow god-fearing blue-blood, Australian PM John Howard, has eye-rollingly made reference to recently), so I thought it was just as pertinent today as the absurdity mysteriously continues to be perpetuated. Links inserted by me for reference.

What I love most about December 25th, apart from the free gifts as a result of the amusing bastardised confluence of Judeo-Christian mythology and capitalism, is that it signifies exactly one week until the first day of the new year. I realise that calendars are arbitrary quantitative methods for recording the passage of time, but New Year’s Eve and Day both fond memories for me nonetheless (moreso Eve because I normally spend most of Day semi-comatose), and everything does seem somehow refreshed and revitalised when the sun creeps back up over the Pacific Ocean for the first time of the year. Anyway it’s late, and I have to get some shut-eye, because I don’t plan on getting much tomorrow night. Enjoy yourselves. I certainly will be. =D

Too late!

[What did you do in 2003 that you'd never done before?]
Nothing particularly unique I can remember off the top of my head, I’m afraid. This wasn’t exactly a trailblazing year for firsts.

[Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?]
I don’t do that shit.

[Did anyone close to you give birth?]
Yes! My auntie. Baby cousins are excellent, even if they live in another state, and cause your paternal instincts to start itching uncontrollably when they visit.

[Did anyone close to you die?]
A few relatively distant family members, but nobody I knew very well. I suppose you could count my cat Charlie.