You have freedom of this post, not freedom from this post
Gosh I love theocrats. Say what you will about the fact they’re earnestly trying to drag the planet back into the Dark Ages where folks like you or I would have been burnt at the stake last Tuesday, at least they’re so enormously entertaining to watch. And it helps that there’s the Pacific Ocean separating me from the vast majority of them.
One of the great clarion calls of the theocracy movement, which indicates to me more than ever that the principles of democracy are far too advanced and subtle for most of us primates to fully comprehend, is the old adage “We (Americans) are supposed to have freedom of religion, not freedom from religion”. A few years ago in high school I was contemplating participating in the school exchange student programme to the US, and when I first learned of this little-known historical fact, I became concerned that it would screw up my plans. I decided to write to the American Embassy to clear things up.
To whom it may concern,
I am an Australian high school student intending to travel to the US in the near future to participate in the popular Student Exchange programme. I am a meritorious student and I look forward to utilizing this invaluable learning experience to expand my horizons. Recently, however, I became concerned at the provision for religious adherence necessary for, I assume, temporary Visa status, and the possible friction it would cause for a citizen of a secular constitutional monarchy such as Australia. I don’t intend to jeapordise my chances of partaking in this fantastic opportunity, so I would like to ask which religion I should convert to during my time in the US in order to avoid “rocking the boat”. For your convenience, I have listed a few below to aid your suggestions.
Catholicism, Christian Gnosticism, Eastern Orthodoxy, Oriental Orthodoxy, Protestantism, Restorationism, Mormonism, Druzism, Sunni Islam, Shafi’i Islam, Hanafi Islam, Maliki Islam, Hanbali Islam, Shiite Islam, Alawites, Ismailis, Wahhabi, Sufism, Ibadhiyya, Ahmadiyya, Pharisaism, Sadducees, Rabbinic Judaism, Conservative Judaism, Orthodox Judaism, Ultra-Orthodox Judaism, Modern Orthodox Judaism, Hasidic Judaism, Reconstructionist Judaism, Reform Judaism, Falasha Judaism, Karaite Judaism, Mandaeanism, Rastafarianism, Samaritanism, Hinduism, Vedanta, Vaishnavism, Swaminarayan sect, Saivism, Saktism, Smartism, Buddhism, Theravada, Mahayana, Vajrayana, Jainism, Sikhism, Manichaeism, Zoroastrianism, Confucianism, Mohism, Shinto, Oomoto, Taoism, Tenrikyo, Candombl?Haitian Voudun, Macumba, Santer? Umbanda, Ancient Egyptian, Pygmy, Voodoo, Zulu, Australian Aboriginal, Asatru, Dievturiba, Neopaganism, Satanism, Temple of Set, Thelema, Neo-druidism, Judeo-Paganism, Wicca, Alexandrian Wicca, Dianic Wicca, Gardnerian Wicca, Seax-Wica, Faery Wicca, Feri Tradition, Process Church of the Final Judgement, Raelism, Scientology, Ar?Pilgrim Movement, Law of One, THC Ministry, Theosophy, Esotericism, Alchemy, Freemasonry, Gnosticism, Kabbalah, Occultism, Rosicrucian…
Ideally I would prefer a religion which didn’t require piercing, circumcision, or virgin sacrifice, but apart from that I’m totally cool. You can just circle the best one and send this letter back if you prefer, or even add a few which I may have forgotten. Thanks again in advance.
Yours sincerely,
Edo.
A few days later I was distracted by a small marsupial and completely forgot about the whole American exhange student thing, and my letter remains unnswered to this day. It’s intriguing, however, to extrapolate this brilliantly insightful historical perspective into other aspects of the US Bill of Rights.
Antiquated translation: Freedom of Speech.
What they really meant to say: Freedom of speech, but not freedom from speech.
Peace, silence, quiet solitude, being mum, biting one’s tongue, reflective contemplation and playing charades are all unconstitutional. Seems to run contrary to the whole “right to remain silent” stuff, but that’s a matter for the Supreme Court to sort out.
Antiquated translation: Freedom of the Press.
What they really meant to say: Freedom of the press, but not freedom from the press.
All US citizens are required to buy at least 5 different newspaper publications and watch at least 8 hours of CNN or Fox News every day. Dissidents shall be charged with treason.
Well, I’m no law professor, and I’m sure there are many other sections which need to be pored over with freshly-opened eyes, but I think that’s a pretty good start on such a critically important issue. Thank God for the theocrats pointing out to us what we should already know.
